How to resolve relationship problems without breaking up
Have you ever wondered how to resolve relationship problems without breaking up? You might have tried talking but feel as if it creates more conflict and wonder if it’s really worth it.
I’m a psychotherapist and I’ve got four steps you can try to help open up conversations and find resolutions, rather than ramp up the conflict.
Step one: How to resolve relationship problems without breaking up by identifying what you’re feeling
Spend time reflecting on what it is for you that is so upsetting. Sit quietly without distractions and ask yourself what is it that I’m feeling, and see what arises.
When we’re feeling something painful we instinctively want to blame the other person. But rather than focussing on what the other person is or isn’t doing, such as “you don’t make time for me” or “you don’t help me with the kids”, think about what your experience is here, and why it’s so painful.
It could be “I feel lonely or rejected when we don’t spend enough time together” or “I feel overwhelmed with balancing work and childcare and worry I’m spread so thin I can’t do either well enough”.
Step two: How to resolve relationship problems without breaking up by getting the timing right
Approach your partner at a time they’re likely to be available to talk. Wait until they’ve finished work or watching the football/rugby/tennis before asking for a conversation.
Or better still, communicate what you want and ask when it would suit them, for e.g; “I’d really like to talk to you about something when would be a good time?”, and find a time that works for both of you.
Step three: How to resolve relationship problems without breaking up by staying open and honest, and being kind
Approach the conversation with an open mind and a non-defensive attitude.
If you go into the conversation in an aggressive way, focusing on blame or how they do things wrong, your partner is likely to get defensive and shut down, making it hard to talk about things in a productive way.
Show them that you understand where they’re coming from while stating what you need, and then be willing to compromise to make things work for both of you.
See if you can tell them about how you’re feeling and what might help you to feel better, for eg; “I know you’re really busy with work, but could we find half an hour of quality time together on Wednesday?” or “I feel supported and less overwhelmed when we work as a team with the kids and share more of the responsibilities”.
Step four: How to resolve relationship problems without breaking up by making suggestions of how you think the problem can be resolved
Aim to work collaboratively with your partner about how you can resolve the problem together in a way that works for both of you. Focus on what would work for you, and listen to what would work for them with an open mind.
Remember, they probably feel just as overwhelmed as you, and it’s about supporting each other in a way that works for both of you.
Rather than blaming them with things like “You never do the school drop off”, ask them what they think they could do to help resolve the problem, and share your ideas too such as “It would help me feel less overwhelmed if you could do the school drop-off twice a week” or “Could you cook dinner once a week for the kids? that way I have some breathing space and feel energised to put them to bed”.
If you can relate to this, would you like some help?
I hope these suggestions will help you to figure out how to resolve relationship problems without breaking up with your partner and help you to find solutions that work for both of you rather than generate more conflict.
If you can relate, and think you need professional help, I work with individual adults and would be happy to hear from you. Book a free, 15-minute telephone consultation to talk about how I might be able to help you.